Three Steps Back

I’ve heard it before.  “Two steps forward-one step back.”  How about one step forward (after a great while) and three steps back?  It’s been a tough month, and I don’t know why.  I mean I KNOW why, but I don’t know why this month in particular has been rough.  I literally just woke up this way a few weeks ago. I feel blue.  I feel pissed.  I find that I wake up with a scowl.  Actually, I wake up with a scowl and also likely had a bad night’s sleep.  I don’t breathe deeply.  I can laugh and smile, but I battle putting myself in a position where I have to laugh or smile.  Am I acting like a child who pouts-who wants to be mad and stay mad?  Maybe I am.  I know I don’t do it for the attention, because I’ve been doing my best to stay away from people and avoid interaction.  I don’t want to bring anybody else down.  I don’t want pity.  I don’t even really want to talk about it.  But I guess I want somebody to know.

I feel better when I’m busy with work. I long for the downtime of the weekends, but I haven’t been enjoying that space or quiet time. I feel anxious if I’m not distracted.  I know that there are dozens of things that I could do during these spaces to keep myself occupied.  I have a long list in fact-clean house, plant flower beds, work on my Italian, practice my hammer dulcimer, but I can’t seem to focus well enough.  Work is different, I have to work and I feel really comfortable there. Maybe I AM a fussy child–I obviously can’t be pleased. Too much work–too little work. Too much time-too little time. In adults I guess this is labeled anxiety.  Restlessness. Trying to solve a problem that can’t be solved.

Let me think. What are those stages of grief again?  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Okay–so I’m skipping some of these, or I haven’t arrived at them yet.  I’m definitely experiencing them out of order, and I don’t see that ever ending.

This might be a good point to lighten things up a bit. (It’s what I do–things get heavy, I make myself think of something funny.) I once saw somebody go through these stages.  If you want to see one of the funniest segments on TV ever, watch Tony Shalhoub, as the OCD, type-A detective “Monk,” go through the stages of grief after he’s been told that his psychiatrist is going to retire. 

The 5 Stages of Grief from John Duncan on Vimeo.

Okay...that’s me.  Especially the anger and denial.  I’m not processing things as fast, but I can relate to Monk–the way he paces in circles when he’s stressed. I can usually snap myself out of a funk, but this has been a little lengthier dark spell than usual. I don’t feel truly depressed, and the optimist in me knows I can wait this out.  Things always improve.  I think if I worried that I wouldn’t feel better it would only amplify the feelings. I’m lucky to have a disposition that believes things will always get better.

Pete, just every so often, would get the blues.  They would seem to come out of nowhere.  As all wives do, I would inquire, “you okay?”  He responded with so much self-awareness.  He would tell me he was feeling a little melancholy and that it would pass in a couple of days.  So I’d give him space, not ask him to do a bunch of things, and let him lose himself in his music.  After a couple of days he would re-emerge and be his usual joyous self.  I’m trying to treat myself the same way I treated Pete during those times.  I’m not asking too much of myself.  I’m not nagging or questioning myself.  I’m just letting myself frown and be grumpy and avoid large crowds-I know that one day soon I’ll wake up and be just a little bit happier and see a little bit further down the road.

Do you ever think you’re improving, but then you slide back to square one? I'd love to read your comments below.

Now...here’s a little tune to lighten both of our spirits today.  This is Pete’s version of the “Theme From “Monk.”