The Apology

I owe you an apology. I’m sorry that you had to read it here in my blog.

Over the last few months I’ve received a few calls from some close friends and family members. They call with sadness and concern in their voice. They feel that they have let me down somehow. When I ask why on earth they would ever think they had let me down, they reply that it was because they hadn’t spotted the depth of my sadness.

They acknowledge that they must not have been paying close enough attention––for if they had, they wouldn’t have to read about my woes in this blog. They should have known. Why didn’t I tell them? They feel guilty, and they offer themselves so sincerely, finding fault in their own level of friendship.

I don’t know how to answer their questions––I’m stumped. I don’t really know why I haven’t talked to them about any given topic I’ve shared in the blog.

A close relative pulled me aside at a recent family wedding and told me he often reads the blog. Then he looked at me very sincerely and asked, “Are you okay?” He referenced the blog I had posted that week and said he was just concerned. I assured him that I was okay, but then stopped to ponder if I was. I wrote the words. They are honest. Maybe there’s something I’m not seeing in myself.

I guess I write a blog because I don’t like to speak about what I’m feeling. By the time I write about almost any topic, I’ve pondered it, or lived in it, for weeks or months. I’ve never been one to process things out loud. I can psychoanalyze myself here, but who knows if I’m right?

When I was young, I moved around a lot––spent a lot of time by myself. I’m a better listener than a talker, but I’m still pretty much an open book. If you ask me the right questions, I’ll tell you almost anything. “Is it hard to travel alone?” “What does it feel like in a house by yourself now?” “Are you afraid by yourself?” “Do you dream about him?”

So again, I apologize to those of you close to me. I don’t know how to express all this out loud. The topic of grief is so very LARGE. My thoughts are LARGE and difficult to utter. Rest assured that it has nothing to do with not wanting to share, I’m just not sure how to do that. You are all the most wonderful friends and family a person could wish for. Thank you.